Oh Lord here we go.......

My first day of blogging- this is odd. I don't even think I ever read a blog. I was trying to come up with a good blog name- but all the good ones seemed taken. I settled on stepping out of the box. I always felt I was captured in a box...strange I know. A glass box where I could see out-but unable to find a way out. I'd see people living , actively particpating in life- and me as only a spectator . I'm sure a million people feel that way, nothing unique -sort of pathetic -sort of not.

I'm turning 40 -this November 26th - I haven't estimated the actual count down -but will for you.
Pulling out the calendar ...lets see according to http://www.jarusa.com/daysuntil.htm (how cool is that) - I have exactly 57 more days until that day arrives. Not really dreading it - but I guess self evaluating where I am in life- and where I thought i'd be. Is that normal?
I'm pretty happy - I love my husband -he's a pretty funny person- its hard to stay mad at him for long ....but he sucks with $ - that is the bad part- he's the spender...i'm the saver. but back to the loving part- we met ages ago back in the early 90's - I was already a parent to one amazing daugther who is now 20 (yes -I was too young)- and he just fit in somewhat perfectly into our lives- it took forever for us to actually get married. I had another love of my life in between a breakup - and sometimes experience the 'what if I married Bill' -syndrome- but over time that has faded - its hard to remember my life without Kevin -its like we sort of grew up with each other, and I don't know that Bill anymore- he's more of a figment of my imagination now.

Ash is great -the best daughter anyone could ever ask for - funny, sweet, beautiful, smart -smarter than her mom. however.....lately - I am feeling the empty nest syndrome. There is a time in a Mom's life where your child adores you -and thinks you are perfect and wonderful - we are far from that stage....Ashley's old enough where she see's my strengths ,weaknesses- recognizes when I'm a crappy mom -and when i'm great. She used to love being with me- I remember this little voice "mommy.....I just want to be with you"- I miss that. Tis no more...maybe when she gets older she'll think i'm fun and cool again. :)

We have three cats- love cats. We had 4 (Sweetie , Snoopy, Tesla and Peppermint) but we think Tesla became part of the food chain about a month ago- we miss our girl - so now we have 3. They feel like children more than cats. Talking about kids- I think that is the only sad part of my life - is that I always thought i'd have more - and i'm realizing that there isn't much time left to make that happen. Sometimes I want more so badly - and other times I can't fathom how we would manage it. It comes down to Money - and relationship. We never seem to have enough that would afford me to stay home - does that sound snobbish. When Ash was a small- I had to work -and she was in daycare and that crushed me. I wanted to be home with her- I cried about it all the time. I dreamt of spending lazy summer days with her, or taking her to school -picking her up from school like 'real moms'- but the reality was - I was a single mom and had to work. I vowed once kevin and I got married - that I would NEVER have another child - UNLESS I could stay home and actually be THAT mom- but I don't see the possiblity of that happening- so I just tucked that dream away. The other part is my husband- fantastic with kids- but no patience at the same time- that scared me.
So here I am - yes ...still working- have the best boss anyone could ask for -She's amazing - feeling very fortunate about that -but not sure how I actually feel about work though...getting a little bit burned out lately about the actual job and day to day stuff.

So to actually get to the point of why I started the blog is to see if I can figure out how to make my life that much more fufilling ....exciting ....inspiring -all within the next 57 days
whatever changes I make (hopefully all for the better) - I hope it becomes habit forming. I have no idea what kind of change.....
right now - I go to work , come home, love the cats, love the husband - forgo cooking dinner, and then veg in front of the t.v..... i'd really like to stop that - and spend my time doing something worthwhile- something engaging -where I can meet and connect with new people and find my place in this small world.
I don't have any special talents or skills- other than I love the elderly -animals and children- they all have a special place in my heart . I recently started looking for volunteer opportuntities but i'm starting to chicken out- fear of commitment maybe .....
I'm keeping my appt with Boys and Girls club- its tomorrow night. It sounds great to be a mentor- but wondering if I really have alot to offer - what if I can't connect -will it be awkward?
Should I spend my time taking classes instead ?

The point of this -whatever I'm doing with this blog opportuntity- is to stop coming up with excuses and just say Yes to opportuntities - to step out of my glass box (or crawl out from whatever rock i've been hiding under) - and move forward torwards anything positive
I'll let you know how that goes tomorrow.

Although boring for anyone who may actually read this- here is a little list of stuff i'm hoping to eventually do -sort of my own bucket list - in no particular order.


- excercise (what a concept) - to actually get off my butt and do any kind of physical activity and make it habit forming. I'm not fat , but defintely miss my flat stomach -and want to get that back. -take more walks with kevin. we started taking walks every evening and I Loved it - but then we stopped - I can't remember why- want to start that back up.

-Go on the Oprah Show (I would have said be a guest -but that might be pushing it- audience member will suffice for now).

-Find a volunteer position , love it and stick with it.

-Adopt a baby girl, two or three - I know it sounds completely corny - but I already have the middle name picked out. Grace (accepting votes on full names) - Lilly Grace ; Brynn Grace; Aubrey Grace; Emmie Grace, Emily Grace, Emmy Grace, Sophia Grace , Sophie Grace
Who doesn't love Grace ? (don't answer that)

-start a scholarship in honor and in memory of my Most favorite Dad - Edward Francis Carr - the best dad anyone could ever wish for. He was an electrical engineer - I would love to start something that would support a young person to pursue that in college.

-visit my neices and nephews more often

-send my mom on a fanstastic vacation and actually pay for it- always wanted to be the kind of child that could do nice things like that for their parent- unfortunately even in our 40's our parents are still treating us -...one Day Mom!

-Swim with the Dolphins- I think that would be an incredible experience ..... I wouldn't mind if that took place in Hawaii.

-Find another opportuntity to make money - start an online business, or develop a hobby or passion that allows me to have a secondary - or preferably another primary source of $.

-Travel more - Kev took me on an amazing trip to Italy and Switzerland last year- so I have that travel bug. Aside from going back to Hawaii- I want to go to Austria , Switzerland and that entire area -wouldn't' that be amazing to be able to travel at least once a year ? that's where that make more $$ part comes in handy.

-Find a passion to cook- I always wish I would find a way to love cooking. I want to be THAT person that loves to have people over for dinner (I am so NOT that person). Our version of having someone over for dinner is us ordering pizza or paying to take them out. I never liked to cook and don't think of food until i'm hungry- and then I just want to eat. I'd love to be the type of Mom and wife that loves to cook for family and friends.....working on it- just learned how to make lasagna on my own last week -not to shabby.

Okay enough for my first blog- hopefully for me i'll figure out how to log back in tomorrow.
Bye for now.